'Finally, it's over' I thought as we landed back to our land. The days of misery, loneliness, feeling breathless on those open fields, feeling hopeless, helpless, miserable, and vulnerable came to an end. We were finally free, and 'I' was finally free. We moved toward clearer skies, leaving those dunes behind, the dust still stings in my eyes. I feel the phantom pains of the injuries that I didn't even sustain. My head aches, my stomach is grumbling, and my knee hurts but the scratch underneath my shirt, over my arm is what scares me. It's over, it's over, it's over ... I chant like a mantra. Of all my life's mistakes, joining the army was my biggest regret. Leaving her behind is my biggest regret. This regret has left me awake on those silent nights and kept me scared on those loud mornings.
Part of me hoped that you have stayed, other part wished, that you would have moved on. You didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve you, your love, your patience, your sacrifice, which you didn't ask to face. You happily accepted the consequences of my decision. We didn't have any strings attached, no commitments in the face of the law. You still told me, that you would be waiting for me, promised me... I wish you wouldn't have. Cause the man that has returned from the war is not the same one who went there. The young guy you fell in love with is buried deep down in this shell filled with scars. You don't deserve this, my baggage. Emotional and physical. You don't deserve to carry the weight, I am bringing back. You don't deserve this. I don't deserve you. I wish, really do, that you are not waiting for me on the other side. I also wish that you do.
I knew you never break your promises. That is the one thing I love and hate about you. You make sure one fulfills his or her promise. You are stubborn and stable, like an ocean. That light in your eyes is still the same, and the glow on your face, scares away the dark thoughts, that smile now holds a little tinge of sadness but there is still a lot of joy behind it. I never thought those pain would fade. But one look at you and I again feel like twenty-one. That young boy with million dreams and billion thoughts. One who had nothing but everything. He was fearless, careless, reckless, seamless, even scar-less.....
I can't bring you close to myself. I feel that my past will follow me back here, and get hold of you. I don't want you to lose your smile, your shine, your beauty..... Your beauty is not what others see on the surface, it's was I saw beneath it. You bring the best out of people, you push them out of their comfort, but you also bring comfort with your presence. You fix things and solve problems with ease... But I don't want to be that blotch on your life, that you can't fix, that you can't solve, that mystery that you can't unveil... I fear you will see those scars. These scary red marks over my arms, covering my conscience. I had all good reasons to do it and hundreds of why I shouldn't have.
Watching my friends, no Comrade, getting hurt, shot, die. Feeling hopeless, helpless, miserable, vulnerable. I think it's survival guilt. I think all those scars were compensating for their pain, for what I should have also suffered. I felt I wished to end it for once and for all, but I couldn't imagine you waiting only for me to return in a body bag. I wanted to prove to you that I was still the same boy you loved, but am I still the same... I can't show you this body, filled with bruises and burns, cuts and scraps, harm brought by others and myself.
I am no longer the handsome prince you fell in love with. I am no longer that flawless hero you saw me as. I am now a shell of pain and regrets. Those abs have now shrunken to probing ribs, that wavy hair is now matted with sweat and blood, and those bright blues ocean eyes now hold those empty dunes. I am no longer beautiful. I am just scars that are left behind.
But it was you, for whom I never crossed the line, for who I always stopped before I bleed out. It was you that I bandaged those broken bones, It was you, your beauty I wanted to see one last time, that pushed me to stay. To stay with you.
Today, you have seen those scars. You have seen how flawed, distorted, weak, and how much of a coward I am. How selfish I am to think that these red lines can make up for what my friends at the field suffered, for what you at home went through. How I don't deserve to be honoured for my work at war, how there shouldn't have been a party to celebrate my return. How I have been anything but fearless out there.how I brought respect to my town and was proud of my family. How selfish I am to take credit for all this when I am nothing but a scared soul.
But you again look at me with those adoring eyes. Make me believe as if I have hung up all the stars and moon. You hold my hand, look at those lines of regret, tracing them with your fingers, feeling those unhealed ridges and bumps. You hold my hand, tangle your fingers with mine. You bring that fist towards your soft lips and kiss those pains away like I am a baby with a scrapped knee. It worked, I laugh internally, at how actually kissing out the boo boo, eases out the pain.
You lift your head. Your red tear-filled match my bloodshot eyes.
"These are not scars, but those beautiful lines that tell me how hard you fought, not with enemies but with yourself, to come back to me, to respect your friends, to leave a mark of your friendship, that you will never forget. These are now part of yours and I love them, because I didn't fall for that handsome boy in class but for your beauty in depth. "
Nidhi Patel
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